


Something He Could Never Have

by DaftFloyd



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Constipation, Family Dynamics, Gabriel isn't, Hugging, Hurt and comfort, Jack is a closet gay, Jack is gay, Lena lends a helping ear, Lots of Angst, M/M, Or Is he?, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Unrequited Love, friendly talks, one-sided
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-04-06 07:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14051553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaftFloyd/pseuds/DaftFloyd
Summary: “Commander Morrison!” She called after him when the yards between them whittled down to feet. “Good morning, sir!”She'd been expecting the usual – a forced smile crinkling tired eyes accompanied by an apologetic little wave that spoke for his busy schedule easier than he could himself. What she saw when he turned to face her was something else entirely.Glistening blue eyes, stretched wide in surprise, were overflowing with tears.Lena had never seen Commander Morrison cry before then and she'd likely never see it again.





	1. Chapter 1

Despite popular belief, Lena Oxton was a very observant person. It came with being such a thoughtful soul and, when it came to her friends, she was always thoughtful.  
  
With her speed and eagerness, it would be easy for anyone to assume that she was the sort to rush through things, never taking in the details, but it was because of her symbiotic relationship with time that she was able to notice as much as she did.  
  
As much as she enjoyed the thrill of racing, sometimes it was nice to just slow down and enjoy the little things. It was how she'd remained so cheerful despite the massive time warping curve ball life had thrown her way. It was also how, on one cool overcast morning in Overwatch's Swiss base, Lena learned that Strike Commander Morrison was in love with Blackwatch Commander Reyes.  
  
The young pilot had been out for her daily jog, belly full of fruit and toast, earbuds pumping the sounds of the Smiths through her head as she'd ran. The mile long curved oval of track she frequented was just beside the west side of the building, surrounded on one side by trees and hugging the modern white brick on the other. From where it sat, one could see the jet and helicopter hangers from the northern most stretch of turf. It was here that she'd stopped to take a sip of water and, as it so happened, it was just on the landing pad that the most curious thing caught her eye.  
  
It was impossible to make out the little details, like what exactly was being said, from where she stood but one thing was definitely clear. Commander Morrison and Commander Reyes were arguing and just outside of a helicopter no less. From the way Reyes stood with one hand grasping the aircraft's railing, it was clear that he was the one about to depart. His body language screamed of a desire to escape, clearly wanting to leave.  
  
The Strike Commander, though... He looked defeated. Everything about the way he held himself screamed of a broken man. Lena knew he'd been stressed, knew he'd been dealing with too much but the way he looked in front of Reyes was like nothing she'd seen from him before.  
  
Before she had the good sense to give them their privacy and look away, continue on her run, the Blackwatch Commander was climbing on board as the helicopter's blades began to spin. Morrison had just stood aside, hands limp at his sides as he watched the craft take off.  
  
There was something wrong with the way he stared after the thing, watching it go until gone from sight. It was as if he couldn't bring himself to move from the spot, as if something was keeping him there. It gave Lena the time she needed to jet her way over to him, already trying to come up with an excuse for why she'd been spying on her commanding officers along the way.  
  
“Commander Morrison!” She called after him when the yards between them whittled down to feet. “Good morning, sir!”  
  
She'd been expecting the usual – a forced smile crinkling tired eyes accompanied by an apologetic little wave that spoke for his busy schedule easier than he could himself. What she saw when he turned to face her was something else entirely.  
  
Glistening blue eyes, stretched wide in surprise, were overflowing with tears.  
  
Lena had never seen Commander Morrison cry before then and she'd likely never see it again.  
  
“Sir!?” Lena reeled back as if she'd just been punched in the face.  
  
The Strike Commander had quickly turned away and began wiping his face on his sleeves but the damage had already been done. Lena had seen him and there was no hiding what he'd been doing.  
  
“Are you alright, sir?” She tried again, her voice tender and dripping with concern.  
  
It took a moment but eventually Commander Morrison replied, his voice steadier than she would have thought. “I'm fine, Oxton. I'm...” That resolve seemed to crumble right before her eyes. The commander stood with a hand over his eyes as if he were unable or unwilling to look at her or even the world around them. “How much did you hear?”  
  
“N-None of it, sir! I didn't hear anything, I was just running laps and then I saw you... speaking heatedly with Commander Reyes and then you just stood there so I thought I'd come see if you were okay and...” Lena let out a resigned sigh. “I'm really sorry, Commander. I'll leave you be now.” To emphasize her intent, the plucky young hero turned on her heels and prepared to blink her way back to the track but before she could, that broken gravely voice stopped her.  
  
“Oxton.”  
  
She turned back, eyes big with compassion. “Sir?”  
  
“Do you... have a moment to talk?”  
  
Of course she did. Lena always had time for her friends and Jack was no exception.  
  
The two found a bench, something made of twisted steel and metal that glimmered in the early morning light. It was set just beside the track, hiding among the trees in a place where they would hopefully be undisturbed. The day was still early, the sun only just having started it's trek across the sky when Lena left her room for her run. If they were lucky, no one that required the Strike Commander's presence would even be awake yet.  
  
It was a beautiful spot, one that attracted birds, apparently. As Lena watched them land on the grass and peck for their breakfast, Jack finally spoke.  
  
“I'm sorry you had to see that.” The haggard man ran a hand over his tired face.  
  
Lena wasn't expecting an apology and that much showed on her face. “You don't have to apologize, Commander. It's okay, really...”  
  
“It isn't.” Jack insisted, his voice hard. “A leader should be strong, should be an example. He shouldn't let those that follow him see him being so vulnerable.”  
  
There was a quiet moment where all that could be heard was the wind and the birds before Lena smiled and spoke. “Well, what about a friend?”  
  
Jack's head snapped to look at her, a look of disbelief on his chiseled face. “What?”  
  
“A friend. Friends.” Lena repeated, undeterred. “I mean... I think we are, anyway.”  
  
Ever since the second Omnic outbreak in King's Row, their relationship had become steadily closer. She hadn't expected him to listen to her when she'd come to his office that day. She was sure that her words would fall on deaf ears, that the commander's hands were really tied on the matter but then he'd surprised her by taking what she'd said to heart and deploying a strike team. It was her first mission and it had meant the world to her.  
  
It was that day that she realized Commander Morrison wasn't half the tough-ass drill sergeant that the other recruits said he was. He was compassionate to her plight and to the plight of the people that needed them and she'd never felt more grateful towards anyone else in her life.  
  
It was because of that and following moments like it that she'd felt she could trust Jack completely. In a way, he'd become like a father to her. He certainly held that kind of warm aura in her heart. She loved him in the way she loved everyone at Overwatch – like family.  
  
“Thank you, Oxton... Lena.” Jack went back to covering his eyes and she knew it was because he was getting teary-eyed again.  
  
She couldn't help the soft little laugh that left her lips as she gently clasped him on the shoulder. “You don't have to thank me either, Jack. Just tell me what's going on.”  
  
That seemed to put the poor man even more on edge. She could feel it beneath her hand, in his shoulders, the way the tension there built and hunched. Perhaps he didn't want to talk about it and she certainly wouldn't force him to but it was Jack that had sought her out so she would wait patiently, as long as it took.  
  
Thankfully, she didn't have to wait long. Jack lifted his head, shoulders hunched, nearly doubled over on himself with his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. “I don't...” He started and stopped, desperate to not come unwound, not here, not now. “I don't know how to talk about it. I've _never_ talked about it with anyone.”  
  
A sympathetic smile graced the runner's lips. “Well that's not very healthy, Jack.” She sighed and her hand returned to her own lap. “Let's start simple. What were you and Commander Reyes arguing about?”  
  
That seemed to get the wheels turning in the right direction. Jack's hand rested over his mouth, eyes looking somewhere far and unfocused. “It isn't what we were arguing about that upset me, per se. It's more that the fact we were is what hit me.” It was Jack's turn to sigh, the motion something deep that made his chest visibly rise and fall. “Gabe and I... we weren't always like this. We weren't always at each other's throats, screaming at each other to get our points across, incapable of just talking... We were... We've _been_ friends for so long that I thought I knew him. I thought that we would always be together, no matter what. That at least, even if things got bad, we could always talk it out because we would always listen to each other but now...”  
  
Jack leaned back against the cold steel of the bench back, hardly feeling the chill though his clothing. “I don't know how to talk to him anymore. Nothing I say is good enough. He doesn't tell me where he's going unless it's in a formal mission statement. It's like he can't stand to be even in the same room as me. He... I swear, he looks at me like...” His voice starts to break, that weakness rearing its ugly head again. He tries to just breath, to keep himself together but all of his efforts prove fruitless as the tears start coming again. “He... He looks at me like he _hates_ me, Lena.”  
  
He doesn't try to hide this time, doesn't try to cover his eyes as fat warm tears roll down his face. He doesn't look at her either. He just sits there, a broken man, beside himself with grief for the death of a friendship he'd long since put too much stake in.  
  
“Do you think he does?” Lena asks softly, her voice as gentle and soothing as the singing of the birds in the trees overhead. “Would Reyes have any reason to hate you?”  
  
“Oh, yes.” Jack laughs a bitter short laugh, devoid of mirth. “He has plenty reason to hate me... but... he always said he didn't. Even when he should have, he would forgive me. He'd smile and it was like nothing was the matter. When I got the promotion for Strike Commander and he didn't, he said he was _grateful._ Said I would be good at it. Said... said he was _proud of me._ ” A sob breaks up the last few words and Jack can do nothing but cry into his hand for a good long while.  
  
The warm touch returns to his shoulder as if to steady him, to let him know she's still there. She rubs her hand along the arch of his shoulder, down towards his back, comforting him the best she can. Lena had had no idea this sort of thing had been going on. Of course, how could she? She usually only saw Jack within professional circumstances and she'd hardly ever had any run-ins or reasons to speak with Commander Reyes. She didn't even feel comfortable calling him by his first name like she did with Jack.  
  
Of course, she knew the two had been old friends and, she'd thought, perhaps even old lovers given the way she'd notice Jack looking at him from time to time. This, however, told her something else entirely.  
  
“Jack,” She started, that kind hand now spanning the space between his shoulders, rubbing soothingly across his bright blue coat as if she could relieve the tension found there. “I'm going to ask you something but I don't want you to feel like you have to answer. If you don't want to then you can just say so, but...” She breathed deep. “Are you... in love with Commander Reyes?”  
  
He finally looks at her then, face running with tears and flushed to a beat red. The veins in his neck stand out, stark white roots against the red. He looks like a mess but Lena just smiles, not a hint of judgment in her bright eyes.  
  
Jack looks back to the grass below them, to the birds in front of them. He looks scared, she realizes, but he still answers her, still speaks the words he's never had the courage to tell anyone, least of all the one person he should have ages ago.  
  
“Yes.” His voice is so small and so sad that it hardly even sounds like him. “I love him. I've loved him since...” _Since SEP_ , he thinks but no, that isn't quite right. Jack has always loved Gabriel, right from the moment he met him to even now. “I've loved him from the first time I saw him.”  
  
There's only a brief moment where Jack thinks that he's made a mistake in admitting something so personal out loud, something he's been terrified of telling anyone for risk of it getting back to Gabe but as he looks at Lena's face that fear lessens just a little.  
  
Whatever she thought his answer might be, she wasn't expecting that. She wasn't expecting a confession so deep that she can feel the years building to it behind his words. It's an incredibly painful burden to carry around feelings like that for so long. She can't even imagine what it's like. She was fortunate enough to have her feelings reciprocated, to find a love with Emily that withstood even her tragic accident. She doesn't know what it's like to be Jack, to have to balance the weight of the world on top of such crushing feelings. And he hadn't told anyone. Not a soul for _year_ s _._  
  
It brings a few sympathetic tears to her own eyes, her heart pulling at the thought of living such a life for so long. The cadet scoots as close as she can to her commander, legs pressing together, warm even though all the padded clothing. She wraps her arm around those trembling shoulders and pulls him into her side, embracing him, and Jack lets her.  
  
It's such a relief for him to be met with such comfort after all this time.  
  
Of course, Lena understands. She herself has been in the seat of _'do they or don't they?'_ that sometimes came with being gay. She'd been lucky enough in her pursuit, unlike poor Jack. She hadn't suffered the same kind of heart ache for years, _decades_ , that he had. The least she can do is try to offer her friendship, her ear, her shoulder, even though she knows it won't stop the suffocating pain in his chest.  
  
“I suppose you never told him all this, huh?” She asks despite knowing the answer.  
  
Jack weakly shakes his head where it rests on her shoulder. “No. Been scared... so damn scared of loosing him.” He scoffs, the sound thick with how tight his throat feels. “Guess it never really mattered. I'm loosing him now anyway...” The tears just wont stop no matter how badly he wants them to. If someone were to see them like this, he can't even imagine what they would think. He knows he shouldn't be relying on his subordinate like this but in this moment he can't help but think of her as more of a sister or a daughter than just another one of his troops.  
  
Lena's fingers cord through fading blonde hair, stroking soothingly like a mother to a child. It's a touch Jack hasn't felt in so long that he can't remember the last time he knew it. He can vaguely remember a dream he once had of Gabriel holding him and petting his hair much the same way but that was only a dream, the likes of which plagued him often.  
  
“Do you think...?” It's such a loaded question that Lena hesitates to continue but Jack nudges her.  
  
“Go on.” He insists.  
  
“Do you think he ever felt the same?” She asks tentatively. “About you?”  
  
There's a deep, rumbling sigh from the commander and he goes quiet as if remembering something long since past. “No.” He finally answers. “At first, I thought maybe he could but...” But that hope had died a long time ago. With every _“You're a good friend”_ or _“You're my best friend”_ or _“I'm glad you're my friend”_ , whatever hope Jack had that his feelings could be returned slowly flickered and died like a candle light. With every woman Gabriel boasted about bedding and young woman he shamelessly stared at when in Jack's presence, it became abundantly clear that Gabriel didn't even like men. There had never been much of a chance for him from the start.  
  
“It's clear that he would never feel that way towards me. And besides, it's too late to try now.” He said finally. “He has enough to worry about now. He doesn't need to know.”  
  
Once upon a time, there was a piece of Jack that wanted to say it, that wanted to tell him even if it meant being hated. Then, he decided he would be content with just staying by Gabriel's side, with just being his friend, but now it seemed like even that was impossible.  
  
More than anything, he just wanted to see Gabriel smile again.  
  
Even if it wasn't a smile meant for him.  
  
He'd go to his grave with these feelings drowning him if it meant they wouldn't trouble Gabriel.  
  
Jack had stopped crying but Lena still kept an arm around him, the two of them becoming quiet in thought as the morning stirred around them. They both had their duties. Lena had her mission briefing and Jack had the never ending task of paperwork and approvals and meetings to attend to. As nice as Jack thought it would be to stay here longer, to remain in the warmth of a friend, of someone who actually understood, they would both have to leave soon.  
  
Having neglected to do so until now, Jack used the sleeve of his coat to wipe the cooling water from his puffy red eyes. Before he could even finish one eye, Lena was pulling a handkerchief from her pocket and handing it to him. It was such a small gesture but the kindness behind the act still made Jack feel like crying again.  
  
He didn't. He just smiled, thanked her, and cleaned himself up silently. As he did, Lena took the chance to say something more.  
  
“I'm here for you, Jack.” Her smile was small but soft and warm. “If you ever want to talk about it or if it gets to be too much, just look me up. I'm here for you anytime you need me.”  
  
That does get a few tears flowing but Lena combats them with a soft laugh, taking the handkerchief and wiping the stray drops away herself. “Come on, Jack. No more tears. You're gonna get me going too.”  
  
She slips the fabric back in her pocket and the two separate, both standing and startling the birds back into their trees. Jack's legs feel weak, but his chest feels lighter. Some of the weight he's bared alone for so long feels like it's been lifted, if only by a little. All those feelings he's kept bottled up for so long had finally uncapped and spilled out. They'd been kept locked away for so long, ramming against the walls of his heart and hurting him deeper than any bullet or blade could. He'd seldom given himself a chance to cry over them, to mourn the life he never had a chance to lead, and now that he has he feels better.  
  
“Thank you, Lena.” Jack says, his voice no longer holding the weak wavering tone of emotional pain.  
  
“Anytime, Commander.” Lena smiles, that pep back in her step as she raises a hand to salute him.  
  
Jack returns it, the rim of his hand settling to his forehead before dropping in a strong fluid motion.  
  
It feels ridiculous to do something so formal now after all that's just happened. Even so, they continue to smile, both feeling better for the new form their bond has taken.  
  
Jack's feelings for Gabriel is something he'd never told anyone, not Angela, not Reinhardt, not even Ana out of fear of them telling Gabriel and having that moment stolen from him.  
  
As Jack walks away from the bench and starts across the track, he feels okay with leaving Lena with his secret. Not for the first time, Jack thinks that he'd be proud to have Lena as a daughter.  
  
As he turns to look behind him and it met by the sight of her smiling face waving at him from afar, he thinks, for the first time, that he does.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2/3. Lena grieves and reflects. Emily makes an appearance.

It was a beautiful day.  
  
It was a perfect sort of day with a cloudless blue sky and the kind of breeze that was warm but not unpleasantly so. It was the second week of spring, the trees were full of blossoms, their branches ornamented with singing birds, so full of life.  
  
The grass was lush between Lena's feet, freshly grown and bright green but she didn't have the mind to appreciate the beauty in the changing of the seasons.  
  
It was a beautiful, perfect day and it was today that she watched them lower the remains of Jack Morrison into the ground.  
  
It was a token funeral. She'd been told that there was hardly anything to bury, that Jack had been decimated by the blast that took Commander Reyes and the Swiss Headquarters with it. It was a blast caused by Commander Reyes, they said. That seemed like an impossible notion to her but, then again, things did get quite ugly right at the end.  
  
There were even uglier days to come for what remained of Overwatch but she had no way of knowing that yet. In a few days, the Petras act would be passed and with it would come the death of an organization she'd given her life to, but for now, all she could think about was Jack.  
  
Poor Jack, given a death he didn't deserve, forced to suffer a lonesome life. He'd deserved more for what he'd done for them, for the world, and now he was gone. Dead. The Commander she'd respected so highly, the friend she'd held so much compassion for, the father figure that had taught her so much, was dead.  
  
Reinhardt gave his eulogy, speaking words they all felt. Jack had been a friend to all of them, that was true, but she couldn't help but feel that she understood him in a way no one else did. She'd seen the depth of that sadness behind his strong composure like no one else had.   
  
As she looked down at the headstone bearing his name, she thought of his face, tried to remember his smile but all that came to mind was that day, so very long ago, when she'd first seen him cry. It had been a perfect day back then too. The birds were even singing like they were back then, bathing in the morning sun, searching for their breakfast in the dew covered ground. That place was gone now, lost with the Swiss base just as Jack was.  
  
It was that day that she began to understand Jack a little better. It was then that she learned about the soft, lonely center he hid behind the facade of a confident commander. Jack was every bit the strong soldier and even stronger leader he'd been propped up to be but there was also a hidden sadness buried deep inside him, something very few people were ever privy to. Lena considered herself lucky to have been counted among those few.   
  
More than anything, Lena just wanted to hug him again. She wanted to try to alleviate some of that pain, to tell him everything would be okay even though she couldn't guarantee it would be.   
  
But she couldn't anymore. Jack was gone and she was never going to see him again.  
  
She doesn't realize she's been crying as the dirt starts to settle and everyone leaves one by one. She doesn't think to wipe her eyes as the sight of his grave blurs in her eyes and that heavy feeling of a sob builds in her throat. All she can think of is those sad eyes and the life he never really got to live. Jack had dedicated his entire life to Overwatch and this is what he received in return – a token funeral for a life that ended cruelly.  
  
Lena stays long after everyone has left until a warm hand on her shoulder breaks her from her sorrowful thoughts. When she turns to see who it is, Emily is standing there with a look of concern in her beautiful green eyes. Looking at her now, Lena feels so lucky to know her, so lucky to have her in her life.  
  
Emily pulls her into a hug that finally forces that sob to rip from her throat. It makes her body shake and with it comes a tidal wave of pathetic sounds and tears. Her tiny hands dig into the fabric of her girlfriend's black dress as she cries like a baby.  
  
“I know, love.” Emily soothes, her own lithe hand brushing through Lena's brown locks. “It's alright. Just let it out.”  
  
Lena trusts her, feels safe being so vulnerable with her, and she's never loved her more for it. Emily is everything in her life, everything she's ever needed or wanted. She loves her more than she's ever loved anyone in her life, needs her as much as she needs the air in her lungs. For a moment, but not for the first time, she puts herself in Jack's shoes. She thinks of what it would be like to feel these things and know they're out of reach. Of what it would be like to need Emily this much but never be able to touch her or love to her in all the ways she revels.  
  
It hurts. It hurts more than anything she's ever felt.  
  
More than the death of her parents.  
  
More than the loss of her independence.  
  
More than anything.  
  
And she feels all the more connected to the man now gone. The man she regarded so highly. The father figure she always wanted. She has to say goodbye to him now, to let go of him as she once knew him and carry his memory with her for as long as she lives.  
  
After a long moment of staring at the freshly churned dirt and saying her last goodbye, Lena finally leaves with Emily's arm around her shoulders. She doesn't stop crying for a long time after. She'll still cry for Jack in the years to come.  
  
Whatever became of him, wherever Jack is now, she can only hope he's with Gabriel and that the two of them are at peace.  
  
Little does she know, this is not a goodbye that will last forever. As she leaves tearfully, she has no way of knowing that in seven years from today, she'll meet Jack again under the most unlikely of circumstances.

 


End file.
